Changing the Equation

Many skeletons have started rolling out of the cupboards ever since some gutsy women have gathered the courage to share painful and humiliating experiences with male sexual predators. It is apparent that there lies a serious fault line in our cross-gender interactions, behavioural expectations and perceptions of behavioural innuendoes. Besides honest and prompt implementations of related laws, we need to take a serious look at re-affirming and redefining gender roles and norms of acceptable behaviour for both males and females. The pre-accepted patriarchal set-up where a man had self-entitled himself to many unquestioned and unchallenged privileges is under serious challenge in societies where women are also financially and intellectually empowered now and resent being objectified for sexual gratification through rape, molestation and inappropriate verbal interaction. In our part of the world many men have still not re-oriented themselves to this change. We have a hugely stratified society in context of varied socio-cultural and economic indices, which affect attitudes towards gender issues too. Many men and women have the exposure and education to move and adapt with the changing global realities while many have taken the first step out of traditional, patriarchal households with the same behaviour codes etched in their minds.

 Men are not monsters; most are normal humans with a normal libido, mostly under control. A few are sexual predators and need nothing less than the severest of punishment under legal provisions. But many, I feel, are simply uncivilized, presumptuous, arrogant, ill informed or confused.  There is still hope for them to redeem themselves if they are tutored in some basic common sense rules when interacting with women colleagues, friends, travellers or at any other platform. These suggestions are for them.

Re modelling one’s behaviour towards a woman as an equal in office may require some effort for those who have not known a career woman in their family, but make an effort; the patronizing or macho attitude you use with your wife at home does not work here. Women outside your castle are your equals. Educate yourself towards a more gender neutral approach.

Most working women are done with being overly coy. A woman who laughs or talks freely with you is just being her natural self or nice; if you think she is flirting, maybe it’s wishful thinking. She dresses stylishly and is smart; but no, not for you; your colleague lives life for herself. Camaraderie at the work place should be limited to just that; don’t push it.

Even if a woman does flirt, appreciate your luck and enjoy it without feeling entitled to push it further. It’s not necessarily a ticket to the next station. Respect the limits she sets.

A woman who has had a relationship or even multiple relationships with other men is not obliged to entertain your unwanted advances; call her by any abusive name if you must, it still gives you no entitlement to similar favours.

Step out of the teenage hangover of the popular Bollywood-movie-saga of the hero pursuing the girl through obnoxious, annoying advances to win her over. These movies cater to starved sexual fantasies of deprived strata. You are not a hunter and women are not game to be pursued and won over as trophies.

Realize and know that there is another possible relationship between men and women besides a sexually oriented one; it’s called a platonic relationship. It is a totally above-the-waist relationship and can yet be a very close and affectionate one.

There are some points that women need to focus on too.

Take on a self confident and assertive role with colleagues; you are not a supplicant. Do not automatically take on the ‘so called female roles’ of always offering to make tea or organize meals.  Do not expect favours either and pitch in equally for work. Avoid playing the victim and getting lachrymose in office; do not reduce yourself to a vulnerable, infantile level; it is the weak that are hunted are attacked.

Be quick and clear in discouraging unwelcome advances. Quit being ‘nice’ before things go further.

These are not the medieval ages any longer. You are free to befriend men in an asexual or even sexual relationship, but do keep all interaction channels, vocal and otherwise, in sync with your intentions. Amorphous signals can be unfair. Conversely, women should be quite comfortable to make the first move with men where they want to, and nullify the assumption that there are specified gender roles regarding this. It would also lend more credibility to a denial.

Some women may acquiesce to men in authority in order to keep their jobs or for career promotion, even if unwillingly. I am not making a moral judgement here. If you do not want to protest and bring the man to book, make an informed choice here and take responsibility for it. Very often anyone who raises a voice against tyranny or injustice must pay a price for it. It is for you to choose. As far as you can, resist, fight and try not to be a victim. You are stronger than you were told.

Ranjit Powar